


Complaints of a Golden Boy

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Gen, Other, Sexual Content, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-31
Updated: 2006-07-31
Packaged: 2018-10-01 02:04:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10178213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Second in my Complaints of Series. Harry has a bone to pick with the writers of Fan fiction.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer: J.K. owns all. But Harry still makes his complaints to me, not her.

Complaints of a Golden Boy

I, Harry James Potter, have a bunch of complaints to make.

Snape kindly lent me the name and address of his “acquaintance” (which, by the way, probably means lover, though I’m not sure) and I am going to set you people straight on a few matters.

I’ve read all of these, what d’you call thems, fan fictions. Some of them are absolutely hilarious! But then the rest just make me angry. For instance, Snape is not my father, thank Merlin. Could you imagine having that ugly bastard as a father? Could you imagine anyone sleeping with him, for that matter, to get a child?

I am not, and never have been, attracted to Snape. He’s a sick, sadistic, cruel bastard. Yeah, his hands may be kinda cool to look at, if you like that sort of thing, but the fact is that I hate his guts.

And another thing, where do you people get the idea that I like Draco Malfoy? I mean, granted, he probably is the best looking guy in school, but he’s also pale and pinched, like those horrible pure-breed dogs rich people go crazy over. And he’s just as whiny as one of them, too.

I have no desire to turn evil.

I do not, and will not trust Snape, especially after that last incident. He’s rotten to the core.

I do not use my invisibility cloak to sneak out for a wank, either, although I might try it sometime. It always seems to work out so pleasantly in the stories.

I have never wanked in the Prefects’ bathroom. Strange, I know, but I have honestly never thought of it. Another thing I might have to try.

I know I’ve never really succeeded where girls were concerned, but that’s just because I haven’t found the right one, you see, not because I’m gay. No, really. I’m telling you the truth!

I would never be so stupid as to get myself kidnapped by Voldemort, and if I did I rather kill myself than be subjected to rape.

Yeah, Snape has saved my life on numerous occasions, but I will never become friendly with him. I’m not sure he’s capable of having friends.

I was almost sorted into Slytherin, but that doesn’t mean that I am a Slytherin.

My favourite colour is actually blue, not red or green. 

The Dursleys have never raped me, and beatings were not their style. Dudley was the only one who used me as a punching bag.  
I have never been tempted to use drugs or to cut, even though I have been very depressed, especially after Sirius died.

Speaking of Sirius, I have never been attracted to him, either, though I suspect that he and Remus have been getting it on since their school days.

I loved Sirius almost like a brother. He was a link between me and my father. He was special to me. But that doesn’t mean I was shagging him.

And I’m not shagging Remus, either, just so everyone is clear.

Actually, I’m not shagging anyone at the moment. I’m kinda still a virgin. Ginny would never let me you-know-what, at least not until I agreed to marry her. And I’m still not quite sure she’s the right girl.

And I’m also not a rare magical creature, just waiting for my inheritance to show. My mother was a Muggleborn, and my father, James Potter, was from a well-known pureblood family. There isn’t anything strange in there, no Veela, no nothing. I’m a human, through and through.

Yeah, maybe I haven’t always liked Dumbledore using everyone as pawns in his little game, but you have to admit, without him we’re screwed. We have absolutely no idea what to do.

Snape is a complete bastard. Did I mention that already? Merlin, if I ever catch up with him, the Ministry will never find his body. He’ll be blasted into so many microscopic pieces I doubt even one of those forensic investigators could find him.

Though I can talk to snakes, it’s not often a pastime I engage in. Big, hulking snakes are not exactly my cup of tea. I’d rather not have to face one, if you get my meaning.

I have no Animagus form yet, and I doubt I ever will have one. It’s too complicated, you see, and takes far too much work and practice. Besides, I’d have to do the thing legally and register, and I’d hate for everyone in the wizarding world to find out what my form was.

I’m not pregnant with anyone’s baby, and I never will be. Aside from the fact that MEN CAN”T GET PREGNANT, I’d never let a guy you-know-what up my arse. That’s my property. Private property.

Wondering if I’ve complained enough yet. There are so many things that just oh, here we go, big word – infuriate – me. Fan fiction is a curse, believe me.

Oh, yeah. Ron is my best friend. End of story. I do not fancy him, or any of the Weasleys, for that matter, well, except Ginny, of course. When Ron and I are alone, mostly we’re talking about ways to get back at Slytherin for whatever they’ve done. Not when we’re going to shag next. 

I am also not into “cross-dressing” or anything of the sort. I do admit, I did try on a pair of Ginny’s underwear once while I was at the burrow. Guy’s gotta try things, right? But I hated them. Not enough room in the front cargo hold, if you get my drift.

I am not into any of that “kink” stuff you guys always write about. I would never just give up control of my life to someone else. I’ve done that for far too long. I’m finally going to have a chance to control my own life, and my own destiny. Why would a bloke want to throw all that away and be treated like a child, incapable (oh, another big word, Hermione would be proud) of being in charge of their own life?

Okay, okay, so my list is shorter than Snape’s. I’ll admit, I am gorgeous, though my skin isn’t golden or anything. I’m just plain, pale, and scrawny. Not feminine or anything, just scrawny. 

I actually rather like the way I look with glasses. I’ll never get rid of them. 

And I don’t want a makeover or anything. None of that tight leather shit for me, thanks. Just baggy jeans and a tee shirt is fine. And nothing weird in my hair. 

I want everyone to know, once again, that I don’t plan on going Dark or anything. Yeah, maybe I pity Voldemort sometimes. I mean, if his life hadn’t been complete shit when he was a little kid, maybe he wouldn’t have turned out so completely evil. But I’m not planning on deserting the Order and joining the Death Eaters.

And lastly, I just want to reiterate that I’m not gay. I think I’m in love with Ginny Weasley, and that’s that. 

(Okay, so my ending isn’t as funny as Snape’s. But I think I’m getting the point across. Just bear all this in mind next time you sit down to write nonsense about my life. I’m watching you. I know everything. And if you write any more lies about me, I’ll – I’ll – I’ll – hunt you down and . . . and . . . let’s just say Snape won’t be the only casualty.)

Sincerely,  
Harry James Potter

P.S. See, it’s Potter, right? Not Snape. Ugh. Thank Merlin.


End file.
